“How soon is too soon…?”
This is a question I’m asked at least once a day – every day – in my office. There’s a natural student in us that likes to make sure we are doing the right thing or making the right choice. We also like the reassurance that our thoughts and opinions aren’t far off – and if they are far off, we want to fix it immediately.
And when it comes to dating and relationships, there seems to be an overwhelming amount of “do this by then…” ideas. You see it everywhere – in magazines, overheard in a coffee shop, on television, etc.
So I’m here to tell you that, most of the time, there really is no “right” way to do anything or any certain “musts” that will be the key to a lasting relationship.
(Unless it comes to clipping your toenails. I think we can all agree – as a people – that there is literally no grey area here. Period.)
But I’m always open to offering you some honest guidance based on what I’ve experienced with clients for the last 20+ years.
To Leave A Toothbrush?
How soon is too soon to leave a toothbrush? Or other toiletries you may need before heading out to work?
What I’ve found is that often we make this way more complicated than it needs to be. We are looking for certain signs or clues that it’s ok to leave your Oral B and a hair brush.
So let’s make it super easy…
I say if there’s more than one sleepover a week (for a month), then you can. Sound good? I think so.
To Meet Friends?
How soon is too soon to bring the girl you’ve been dating to Tuesday Trivia night? Or Friday Happy Hour?
It makes sense that when a special man or woman comes into your life, you want to include them in every aspect. At the same time, there can be anxiety over whether or not your friends will like your new boyfriend or girlfriend or exactly when the right time will be to put everyone in the same room.
That’s why I think it’s important to establish a solid relationship first. Give yourself a few dates, spanned over a few weeks and then decide to include your friends in the mix. You will present a stronger relationship, you’ll know each other a little better, and it will make for an even better experience.
No matter what, no friends on the first date. This is a chance to get to know each other, without adding more opinions, personalities, and distractions.
To Get a Kiss?
This one seemed to cause a division in our office when we sat down to discuss this topic. Well, not so much the kiss part as what happens after the kiss.
But first, let’s simplify the whole locking lips right here and now…
Get that kiss (or go for that kiss) by the second date and get a good makeout session in on the third date. Here’s why…
Men have come into my office telling me they’ve been out with a girl five or six times and there’s barely been any physical connection. The problem with that is that this gives off the vibe that the girls weren’t interested (and many times they were interested!) but we are all waiting for the other person to make the move. Men connect through physical touch. So, of course, you are going to have your personal boundaries and ideals, but make sure you aren’t holding back out of fear or feeling nervous.
Now when it comes to sex, there are a few schools of thought. And this is where I want to be super clear that you should always decide this for yourself and the person you are involved with. Period.
And don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
For some people, after 3 dates, they feel ready. For others, it’s 2 to 3 months. In general, make sure you take the time to be cued in to the kind of person you will be hopping into bed with. Pay attention to how they speak about the opposite sex, what they say they are looking for in a relationship, and always be open and honest about where you stand when it comes to sex in a new relationship.
Communication never goes out of style.
To Talk Love and Marriage?
How soon is it to talk about marriage and kids? This is a big one. I’d say let the first date always be about bonding and fun talk. Keep the questions light and curious, without feeling heavy or that the other person is ever “on the spot.”
But once you are established and been out a few times, it’s natural to want to know where a person stands on things like marriage and children.
Now when you work with a matchmaker, we strive to pair you with someone who has the same values as you – wants kids or wants marriage but kids aren’t a dealbreaker, etc. Just another perk of working with a love expert.
In general, it’s all in the way you bring it up. Never make it seem interrogating or as an ultimatum. Come from a curious place and start to talk about how you both feel about marriage and children. Where you see it in your future, what you’re most excited about when it comes to those next steps, and some of your fears and challenges.
Have more “how soon is too soon…” questions? Leave a comment below or email us. We are always happy to be part of your love journey!
As a leading matchmaker here in New York City, there is simply nothing I haven’t heard before. And I love helping people – just like you – find their perfect match with way less stress (and in way less time!) than you think.