The power of communication can never be talked about enough in relationships. That’s why we are devoting this Fall to the different ways you communicate (or don’t) – what you want in a partner before you get into a relationship, during the relationship, and the ever changing ways you have to be ready to evolve with your partner for lasting happiness and compatibility.
So Welcome to The Communication Series. We begin with communicating during the beginning stages of your relationship.
Let’s start with a little story…
Last year, we helped one of our favorite New York City clients find the perfect woman for him. We were thrilled when got that call that there’d be no need for anymore matches because this was the one. And her feedback was the same. I remember us all leaving the office that Thursday elated to have another match on our hands because it doesn’t matter how often it happens, we are always thrilled when people find love. (It’s how we stay in business, ya know? And hearing people’s “in love” voice is always enough to put a smile on anyone’s face.)
Fast forward to last week, I get an email from the woman thanking us for all we had done but that they had broken up. Why? We immediately stopped what we were doing and honestly racking our brains to understand what went wrong.
After speaking with the guy, we realized exactly exactly what happened. And it happens way too often. They were both speaking completely different languages. Love languages, that is. Allow us to break it down…
Houston, We Need A Translator
It’s typical for men to think they are moving forward in the relationship while the woman thinks it’s moving so slow. And this was the case with our couple. Whereas, he felt things were going so well, she was sitting around wondering why he hadn’t brought up moving in together. And the thing is, neither are wrong necessarily, it’s just that neither communicated where they were at.
After talking to the guy, he told us, “I was ready to move in with her, I just hadn’t brought it up yet.” Ok, well why didn’t you is my first question? Because at the end of the day, what are you waiting for? But at the same time, she should’ve voiced her opinions. So often women are scared as coming across too needy but don’t let that nonsense take up a second in your headspace. If you’ve been dating for a few months, you have every right to ask where you both envision the relationship going. It’s counterproductive to think it’s all just going to come together. You have to be active in the relationship.
Now you’ve heard this before — it’s not a new concept. It’s been discussed in Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus or The 5 Love Languages, for example. Every single person communicates in a different way. That’s why it’s important to take a moment and ask yourself…
- What do you truly love about this person?
- What are the certain behaviors that are driving you nuts?
- What needs are not being met?
- What do you need to feel secure?
Once you know the answer to these questions, you are better able to communicate what you need while being able to explain what you love about them (what’s fulfilling to you) and what you need going forward.
You simply cannot be afraid to communicate your needs. Decide to be secure and take responsibility. In the case of our couple, the guy was truly devastated that the woman had left him. He was really heartbroken. And he didn’t realize the importance of being upfront and transparent – and also learning to understand how she communicates – until it was too late. They may still be together if they had both been more open about what they really wanted.
Even before you get into a serious and exclusive relationship, you have to know your goals. Know where you are willing to budge and where you aren’t. This is one of the advantages to working with a matchmaker because we are more easily able to match you with someone with the same goals and values as opposed to going out on a Friday night hoping that this guy at the bar loves to travel and wants kids.
But even if you’ve established it from the start, you have to check-in within the first 6-8 months to make sure you are still on the same page and your next best steps as a couple. Don’t let it go unspoken.
Remember, it’s not about the partner — it’s about you and what do you want in your life. If you aren’t secure and comfortable then you have to make change. Don’t be afraid to say, “We’ve been together for a bit. I really like you and as I plan ahead for the next few months or this year, I’d like to include you in it.” If he or she starts backpedaling then maybe this is not the person for you. Period.
The most important thing I want you to take from this is that you can’t be too careful. Don’t wait to love. Take the plunge and see what happens. Want help finding that partner for you? Email us or leave a comment below about what you’re looking for and how we can help.
Keep an eye out for the next two parts of our Communication Series. Our goal? Helping you close out 2017 with honesty and openness for what you truly want and need.