You’ve heard it before: You get back what you put in. People mostly use this when talking about working hard, right? When pursuing goals and going after what you want. It makes sense, but it’s not a phrase that’s really helping us when it comes to dating. Allow me to explain…
When applying this idea, you might think, “Ok, if I’m going on dates. If I’m putting myself out there, then eventually it will work out for me – I just have to keep putting in the work.” But we know this isn’t the case. If it was, matchmakers wouldn’t have a job. And the job is pretty important because there is a crucial step most singles make in the dating game: They are constantly sabotaging themselves.
When we have a negative experience, we tend to decide it’s fact as opposed to an individual situation. We go on a bad date (or 5!) and we decide that all men are [insert whatever you always say to yourself]. And the thing is, the negative is much more powerful than the positive. It’s easier to collect and retain the negative as “proof” and decide it must be true.
Here’s just a sample of what I hear in my office all the time:
- No one wants a serious relationship
- They are no good men left.
- Women only care about money.
- Men only care about looks.
- She never texted me back so I’m done with it.
First off, when you say stuff like this (and I’m not discounting what you’ve experienced) it’s victim based. Reinforcing it over and over again makes it harder to get out of it.
So you keep going on dates and telling yourself you are putting in the “work” but your mindset is telling you, “What’s the point?”
You feel bad about yourself, decide something must be wrong with you, hold on to the negativity, and then you attract other people who do the same thing, have the same mentality – and the cycle feels never ending. It becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy – a hamster wheel of dating that no one in New York City can seem to get off of.
So what can you do?
Take Responsibility for You
Ask yourself: What do I have control over to change? I think if you really ask yourself this question, you’ll find that the burden becomes less. Because when you take responsibility for you and stop giving life to these “facts” about dating, change can happen. I see it all the time.
That’s why I’m a pretty big believer in affirmations. Constantly affirm the positive. Really take inventory of what you do have. Think about health, friendships, career – leading with gratitude will empower you. There’s something super sexy about gratitude. I promise you.
You have to reprogram your negative beliefs and understand that it’s a process and it’s not going to happen overnight. If you’ve been feeding yourself the negative for awhile, it’s going to take a bit for your brain to shift.
Investing in a trusted guide to help you truly identify your patterns, what you’re currently attracting (and why!), and creating a unique plan going forward can be a total gamechanger.
When you work with a matchmaker, we help make sense of those bad dates so you never go on one again. We get crystal clear on who you are and empower you to make better choices. Because it’s not just about helping you find “The One” – it’s being that objective, honest partner to call you out, reframe your thinking and help you, not only, find love – but keep it.